Happy Friday! We made it through another week, and this one was faster than the last.
The rhythm of the days are getting worked out, the kids are back in session, and the world keeps spinning. Yes, globally the number of infected has doubled in a week, and yes the current presidente of los Estados Unidos is threatening to cut off and quarantine New York City (note: he has backed down), but at the micro level life is turning into a new normal.
So, let's talk some psychology. Namely, to the art of complaining.
I've been doing some research into it. See, I've come to the conclusion that complaining is largely useless at best, and detrimental at worse. And that's TRUE!
Kind of...sort of...
See, the scholarship I've been looking at (details below) seems to indicate one of three trends: complaining is bad for you, complaining is good for you, complaining can be both.
The good complaining: This one has two parts, but they both connect in a simple way. It can be OK to vent--note that optimum word. Venting lets off steam, and provides validation. The other kind of complaining is solution-oriented. When you complain in order to accomplish something and change the factors that lead to the complaint, that is solution-oriented complaining. The important connecting factor is to be aware of why you're complaining and what you want from it.
The bad complaining (forcing myself to go against my confirmation bias by putting this one second): The human brain is lazy--it doesn't like to work more than it has to. So, every time we repeat an action, it reinforces the pathway to that action and makes it easier. See where I'm going here? Every time we complain about something, we are reinforcing not only our view of it (this is terrible) but also the act of complaining. Therefore, if we're not careful about how we complain, we run the risk of making things worse.
The middle of the road: Complaining can be good for you, or bad. On the one had, it does depend on the person. Everyone has a tolerance level for complaints (both from themselves and others), and once that level is crossed, complaining becomes harmful. Likewise, complaints that put down others or ruminate do get the mind into the pattern of focusing on that style of thought. Not only do they reinforce the harmful stereotypes, but they also force the complainer into either a sense of helplessness (there's nothing I can do) or apathy (there are solutions, but if they're not going to work then why bother). You need to be able to complain productively--both to receive validation and find solutions (you can do one at a time, but you do need both)--and it cannot be constant. Once again, constantly complaining not only leads to rumination, but also puts the burden of dealing with the issues on others. It can be very draining, and often times leads to worser outcomes for both.
So, to sum up: focused, targeted complaints can be beneficial--constant complaints (or complaints just to ruminate) are bad.
So, what does this mean for a time when everyone on the news is complaining about how bad things are getting?
1) Take a break from the news. Their job is to fill the hour, not to inform you. Quick snippets will give you all the info that you need.
2) Consciously feel gracious about the world around you. Take time to notice those things that have fallen into the background (see my earlier post about gratitude if you want).
3) Monitor how much complaining you're doing. If it's becoming constant, then it's becoming a problem, and it can end up driving people away.
Hopefully this can give us all a little peace of mind, where we're able to look out for both ourselves and each other. This has been another Adventure in the Austentatious! If you liked it, tell your friends; if you hated it, tell your enemies; and if you don't care either way then tell everyone! Stay safe, be amazing...
And happy quarantine.
Resources: (Special thanks to my neuroscience friend for pointing me in the right direction. Otherwise, I think that I would have missed most of these.)
- The New York Times: Complaining might be good for you
- Inside Hood [never heard of it before]: The right way to complain
- Inc.com: The good type of complaining (the oldest article)
- Talent Smart [never heard of it before]: How complaining can rewrite your brain
- Psychology Today: The three types of complaining (yes, I know my terminology is off)
- Very Well Mind [never heard of it before]: The benefits and detriments of complaining.
- Outside: How complaining can take away personal responsibility.
- Psychology Today: An op ed about the benefits of complaining.
- ERIC: A peer reviewed piece about the importance of teaching how to complain when teaching a foreign language, as well as some activities in order to do so.
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