A Vlog Showing How I Critique Myslf
Hello dear reader,
Happy Wednesday! I'm back, and I'm going to start with an apology: I'm sorry that I haven't posted for a week and a half.
Looking back at the metrics, people have been checking, and I let them down. I'm fine, life just got in the way--I started doing some tech work, and the initial setup is always going to take a lot more work than the rest. But, for now, everything is going well.
But, let's talk about apologies.
As a teacher, a sincere apology is one of the hardest thing to get out of some kids--since, at the end of the day, the apology has to be about the other person, while the age of not-adulting is a notoriously self-centered one.
I'm also going to add that I'm shying away from political jokes, no matter how low hanging the fruit.
It's also hard, since so much of the media--be it corporate culture, YouTubers, or our narratives in general--shy away from sincere apologies. They are filled with excuses, ultimately victimizing the person who is apologizing, and showing that it wasn't really their fault in the end.
And that's where the problem lies: apologies are all about admitting and recognizing fault--and that can be hard to do.
So, when I give an apology and I feel like I want to add something, I always ask myself, "How does that change the fact that it happened?"
*My intentions were good! OK, how does that change the effect?
*But I was right! Was that important at the time?
*But I don't want to! OK, but why is the apology about you?
What makes an apology hard is that it forces us to be naked in front of others, and to strip away our own egos. Not only that, but a lot of people feel like the longer it takes to apologize, the more awkward it becomes.
Well, to that I say: what's wrong with feeling awkward?
Is it uncomfortable? Yes, but so is all growth.
So, what has this been leading up to? Well, a couple of weeks ago I gave some feedback on an experience I'd just had. No one told me that it was taken badly, and no one reached out to talk to me about it--I had to infer that from what was not said in conversations. And what I inferred was that my words hurt.
A lot.
And when people are hurt, it's important to make amends.
*My intentions were good! OK, how does that change the effect?
*But I was right! Was that important at the time?
*And I want to! OK, then do it!
I am sorry that my words hurt. I am sorry that my words caused pain. I understand that my delivery could have been better.
Notice that I'm not adding any, "buts". I want to--I have several that, in my head, make me sound better. But they don't change anything, so I'm not going to add them (except for one that I'm putting at the bottom).
One last thing, though: if you have a problem with something that someone has said: ask them about it. Most people have good intentions--mine are to help people to grow. Most people are also willing to talk. Once again, it's awkward, but moving through those feelings can help us find growth.
This has been another Adventure in the Austentatious. If you liked it, tell your friends; if you hated it, tell your enemies; and if you don't care either way, then tell everybody. Stay safe, be amazing...
And happy quarantine.
Alright, that addition that I mentioned: the Sandwich Method of criticism. The basic idea is to combat the affective filter by sandwiching the area of growth between two pieces of sincere affirmation. Its proponents say that it makes receiving feedback easier.
And it does.
The problem--based on the [admittedly few, yet strangely consistent] studies and articles from the last ten years--is that it doesn't lead to improvement.
Two things happen: either a) people hear the affirmation and it sounds insincere since it's just there sandwich the criticism (which is then tuned out). Or b) Because of those affirmations, the criticism doesn't sound so bad, and thus isn't acted on.
It's that simple: easier to hear, easier to ignore.
Al that being said, the one study that I found which had several set feedback patterns did find that a mix of affirmation and criticism led to better results. Specifically: start with the growth area, and then give the sincere affirmation. That way, affirmation doesn't take on an veneer of cover, and the important feedback isn't watered down.
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